Why getting babies to sleep is like trying to lose weight
Scenario 1: It's been a long day and one of the last tasks of the day is to put the baby to bed. After trying for 30 minutes, Baby finally blinks and closes his eyes. Then without warning , he opens his eyes wide open despite being very tired and cannot go to sleep. Then you try to repeat the routine again.
After 45 minutes, you are tired and want this to end. So you pick the baby up, rock him in your arms / carry him around the house / put him in a pram and push him around / take him out for a drive. Then finally he goes to sleep. You conclude that this is a quick fix and is so much more effective. You should have done it upfront.
Scenario 2: After 45 minutes of trying to get the baby to sleep, he still is awake. In fact, he's crying loudly as he's tired and wants to sleep. You pick him up , stop the crying and put him right back into bed. He cries again, and you pick him up, stop the crying and put him back into bed again. This goes on for 30-40 times before he finally goes to sleep. Gosh, this is the right approach to help baby go to sleep himself (instead of relying on a prop like shaking , nursing , carrying etc.) but it's so darn tiring.
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I was doing scenario 1 just before penning this post . I had succumbed to carrying and rocking him to bed as I'm so tired and just wanted a quick fix. And I was just thinking , this is like trying to lose weight. Scenario 1 would be taking slimming pills as a shortcut , effective in the short run but non sustainable in the long run . You know it's bad , but you do it anyway (for the record, I never take any pill, this is an analogy) . Without the pills, the weight will just come back on.
Scenario 2 is like eating well and exercising . It takes so much effort , and yet, it can be so much more sustainable without any side effects. While the first time to help baby sleep could take 30-40 times of weight lifting, it will gradually reduce to a few times with just a few days of practice, just like how a 2.4km run is much easier after practising for a week vs your first run.
Just as if to prove a point, before I could even finish writing two paragraphs, I heard baby crying again. Well, a baby rocked to sleep will naturally be very surprised to wake up not in mummy's arms but on the bed , so he will be alarmed and will start crying. And this is exactly what happened. Hence, the tip is to always let baby go into bed when he's almost asleep but not completely.
Actually, Cayson is a good sleeper at night and when I do it the right way. But the times I take shortcuts, I run the risks that things may not work out (I.e. he takes cat naps instead of proper naps)
So what's the set of tips I have learned from the books and tested apart from the above if you want to do it the right way? Here's a quick summary of the most useful .
- Have a routine
Babies generally do well with routine overall. Doesn't have to be time based ; you just need to at least have a predictable sequence around things like Eat, Activity, Sleep, You as recommended in the Baby Whisperer. If you do that, when baby is fussing, you know it's highly likely because next activity is due. For instance, after drinking milk, baby should play for a while, and thereafter sleep after he has expended his energy, then it's your time to rest (me-time). Then when baby wakes, you repeat. If baby is crying after Activity, he's probably getting tired and want to sleep and not so much because he's hungry just to give an example. And for sleep, you should always have a routine to help baby understand what to do. For instance , if you create a ritual like wipe down the baby or take a nice warm bath, read a book and put him to bed, he will know that it's time to sleep.
- Let baby fall asleep on his bed / cot (very critical)
Carrying is a quick way to do it but once baby gets into the habit of being rocked or carried to sleep, they cannot go to sleep any other way. It's ok when they are only 3kg but can you imagine carrying when they are 8 or 10 kg for 15-20 minutes per stretch before every nap or sleep. Also, worst thing is that the moment you put them down, they will scream and cry as they would much prefer being carried hence, you may find that you cannot even put them down until much later after they are in deep sleep. And if they wake up , it's likely they will scream when they find themselves somewhere else.
- Have sufficient day time naps
If baby doesn't get sufficient day time naps, they will have disturbed sleep through the night. If they sleep too much in the day or if the last day nap is too near the night, they can't sleep well too. So moderation is key. Optimal day time naps varies by age and babies are all different but with observation or if you maintain a sleep log, you should know.
- Don't miss the sleep cues
If you observe a routine, make sure you start the sleep routine after you see that baby is starting to yawn during Activity/Play. If you miss the golden timing, you will find that baby can't go to sleep too even though they are very tired. An overtired baby cannot sleep and will cry in frustration. Also, don't overstimulate them before sleep time like playing wildly or tickling them or do anything rigorous.
- Try to keep room brighter in the day and dark at night
Using curtains, try to have light variation so you can train baby to sleep when you want to sleep. In broad daylight, they probably cannot sleep as long as the night time.
- Don't confuse a habit for real hunger
I have heard of many instances where friends are still doing the 3am night feeds when baby is already a 2-3 year old toddler. Actually once a baby is around 6 months old or more than 5kg, his stomach is probably big enough to be able to store a bit more milk. So if you have fed him sufficiently throughout the day and ended with a dream feed at 10-11pm, he should be able to go for 5-6 hours without milk. Hence, if he wakes up at 3am, it's just that he hasn't learned how to go back to sleep yet instead of hunger. However, if you don't recognise that it's actually a habit for them to stir, they will not be able to break the pattern. For a start, as quick substitute, you can use a pacifier or pat their bums or say "ssh ssh ssh" to get them to sleep. Try to avoid feeding or latching them.
- Use of pacifier
I know some people read books about pacifier affecting teeth etc , and I think it's ok in the first six months since they don't have teeth. Also, it's better to use a pacifier than to have them use your breast as a pacifier. The trick to use a pacificer is to not overuse it. Once the baby is half dreamy after sucking for a few minutes , and the pacifier drops out, let it be . Do not stuff the pacifier back into baby's mouth (unless he is crying) as you do not want to make him dependent on that to sleep. - Be realistic
Young babies cannot sleep through the night like adults. If they can make it for 5-6 hours without waking, it's already considered sleeping through the night. So try to have realistic expectations.
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